My nurse said to me, “You do realise that only you will be able to understand the changes you’ve made, and how far you’ve come. How does that make you feel?”

And I replied, “I don’t mind. Because I know how difficult it’s been, but I know that if I overcome this, I can overcome anything.” 

I felt kind of proud, because I think this is the farthest I’ve been to recovery. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and have realised what really matters. It’s not the size of my clothes, or whether or not I can feel my hip bones today.

It’s knowing that I am strong. I am worth more than what someone else makes me feel and that, hopefully one day, I will be one of those people who will take this as an opportunity to help others who can’t face this alone. I will forever be grateful to the doctors/nurses and to my family and friends who have been so patient and caring with me all these years.

It’s time to repay the debt I owe them all, and to start living my life fully now. I think this will be my last post about my eating disorder. It’s time to consider it a chapter in my life that I have moved on from.

Thank you to all my followers who have supported me also, you have all been so lovely.

Yep. That means you. 

I bet you’ve seen it, or heard it before - “Men like a real woman, one with curves!” or “Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, and she was the most beautiful woman in the world!” Well, okay. But what exactly is a real woman? See, the thing is, whilst the intention is there to encourage comfort within weight gain, hearing things like this doesn’t really do a lot in regards to encouraging me to feel comfortable with myself. I’m a UK size 6. I have an eating disorder - and yes, I’m small. But does this suddenly make me robotic, or not a ‘real woman?’ Of course not. I’m just one (of many) women overcoming an illness.

Surely, placing precedence on one body type over another is just the same as me saying, “Well, my eating disorder prefers me skinny!” So what if people don’t classify me as the standardized ‘real woman?’ Every woman is real - regardless of body shape, weight or size. And to criticize slender women for not having curves is ridiculous - and incredibly insulting to those who are naturally that way, especially considering that attraction is subjective to an individual anyway.

In short, to every girl or woman reading this - don’t let anyone make you feel that you’re not beautiful or ‘real’ just because you don’t conform to someone else’s standard. 

Being true to yourself is far more important.

Whenever someone mentions “recovery” in terms of an eating disorder, I automatically assume that this is the absence of any disordered or abnormal thoughts concerning food and body issues. But realistically, I know that for someone with an eating disorder, it’s not always obtainable to be completely free of such thoughts. I don’t mean this in a negative way - I’m just saying that at the end of the day, not everyone’s definition of recovery is the same - and that’s okay.

I guess for myself, it’s always helpful to remind myself of my goals and aims with recovery, and why it’s important. Ultimately, my main focus is regain my ability to have children in the future, to restore the strength of my bone density and to live a life that doesn’t revolve around my meals and calorific content throughout the day. I want to live, but not for food. I’ve kind of broken down everything into different sections and how recovery would improve each aspect of my life.

It goes without saying that I’d be so much healthier if I was eating a nutritious diet instead of basically one of starvation. I would no longer feel tired, or weak. I wouldn’t spend my days ‘resting’ but instead being productive, spending time with friends and family and having the life a 19 year old should. My bones would be strong enough to allow me to do whatever I wanted, and I wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences that things like exercise or dancing bought. My heart wouldn’t be under any strain and I won’t have to risk another night in A&E for chest pains and low blood pressure. I wouldn’t feel cold due to poor circulation. (I love knitwear, but in summer? Not so much!) 

My family and friends would be able to spend time with me - as opposed to a girl consumed with worry about what I ate last night, or how thin I look compared to someone who just walked past. They don’t care about what weight I am, and those who do are not people I want to spend my time with - so why should it matter? Instead, I want to be able to genuinely enjoy the life I lead, and to be able to share that. In September, I hope to move out and start University in shared accommodation. If I’m still ill, I can’t do that. This has been something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time, and to jeopardize that in order to remain skinny yet unhappy makes no sense. I know that would be something I’d truly regret in the future, and I’m happy to say I’m at the point now where I’m aware of my priorities.

It’s thinking these things through everyday that inspires me to keep going, and ‘stay strong’ - so to speak. Recovery is worth it, for whatever reasons you may have. This is my life, not my eating disorders - and I plan on living it the best I can :)

Your sense of self confidence returns. Or at least, that’s what I’ve discovered. Trying to fit into this so called idea of ‘perfection’ has been a way of taking my mind off of what has truly been bothering me - something I’ve yet to find out, but I will in time as I continue to move forward. 

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That has been the most poignant question that I’ve been asked by my nurse at hospital. Being forced to say out loud “Well, nothing. Tiredness, weakness and isolating myself from everyone around me? Nothing. Nothing at all.”

If there’s one thing I want anyone to know who is going through an eating disorder or recovery - it’s that you can get better, and we will. Life is worth so much more than losing weight. You are worth so much more.